Confounded by carbs, caribou and chocolate
By Burton W. Cole
Thanks to an unwelcome report from my primary medical caregiver’s office, I’ve been detoured — rather rudely — onto a new lifestyle course.
That is to say, does anyone want the box of chocolate cupcakes or the two packages of chocolate chip cookies I bought? Apparently, they are not part of a healthy diet. Weird, that it’s not the chocolate that’s the problem. Chocolate IS a health food. And mosquito repellent, too. More on that later.
No, what my medical professional warned me against is something called “carbohydrates.”
Is a carbohydrate something like a caribou?
No, no, no, the dietitians snapped. Caribou contains no carbs, so feel free to tromp around The Yukon or Newfoundland and hunt one down. The exercise of being chased by a crazed caribou would be excellent exercise for a man in your condition.
Dietitians can be a feisty bunch.
Basically, if there’s a food I especially like, it’s a carbohydrate.
Why can’t foods like beets and rutabagas be carbohydrates? Those I could avoid with far less angst than, say, french fries, Boston cream doughnuts or Golden Crisp (formerly known as Super Sugar Crisp). But no, those are caribou. I mean, carbohydrates.
How, I asked, am I supposed to park myself in my lounger and binge-watch full seasons of my favorite TV sitcoms without a gallon of Coca-Cola and a case of Ding Dongs?
“Yeah, about that…” And then the professionals launched into a whole bunch of crazy talk.
I’m preparing my own pitch for my medical professionals now. Science has proved that chocolate works. Most of these studies involve dark chocolate, which continues less caribou than its sweet brothers, but hey, it’s still chocolate.
Here’s my legal defense so far:
• Chocolate makes you smarter.
A study conducted at Northumbria University in Britain says chocolate increases flow of blood to the brain. Volunteers who popped the equivalent of five bars of chocolate were better at numbers problems than those who didn’t.
Plus, cardiologist Dr. Franz Messerli reported in the New England Journal of Medicine that there’s a “surprisingly powerful correlation” between countries consuming the most chocolate per capita and countries producing the most Nobel Peace Prize winners.
Messerli calculated the dose of chocolate needed to produce an additional Nobel winner to be about 14 ounces per person per year, or about nine Hershey bars.
• Chocolate is an antidepressant. Not only that, but multiple studies prove that it holds off aging, reduces blood pressure, balances hormones, promotes a healthy heart, stimulates endorphins, is an aphrodisiac, and gives an energy boost throughout the day. And it contains very little saturated fat. Why shouldn’t doctors prescribe chocolate?
• Chocolate prevents body rust.
Follow me closely on this: A University of California researcher said cacao beans are high in the antioxidant compound called flavonoids. Oxidation is what causes rust to form on my car. Therefore, logically we can conclude that if you wish to prevent big, gaping rust holes in your stomach, you must consume preventive amounts of antioxidizing chocolate.
• Chocolate makes you stronger.
A plant compound in chocolate packs the same punch as the cells that generate energy in the body, according to Wayne State University research. Those cells increase with aerobic exercise, such as running, cycling, swimming and other things that make one huff and puff and collapse in a sweaty heap.
BUT, the compound in chocolate seems to bring about the same response — particularly in the heart and skeletal muscles — without a single huff or puff.
Ta-dah!
• Chocolate makes you thinner!
Researchers at the University of California, San Diego, found that the body mass index of people who ate chocolate frequently scored slimmer than the BMI of those less likely to partake. Take that, broccoli!
• And yes, chocolate staves off mosquitoes.
According to a University of California Riverside study, no matter how much bug spray or citronella candles you use, mosquitoes still can find you by your breath. Researchers found that certain fragrances short-circuit mosquitoes’ carbon dioxide sensors, including the scent of caramelized chocolate.
So, medical professionals have me suffering through a low-caribou diet. But I think, as always, chocolate is the real answer.
Warning: The studies also used such words as “moderation,” “sensible,” “low sugar” and other words Burt despises. Send the real scoop (of chocolate ice cream) to him at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.